submerge
familiar twinges
my mind body recoiling
my muscles ignore the brain
inevitable, they say succumb
to the warmth pity immerses me
presupposes sorrow
and never be happy
find joy and sorrow
in what has not come
regret the past
All you have present.
Wall of communication
I can scream,
Tell people to rail against those who hate
I can scream
Against injustice
I can scream
At the sun, curse it for its cruelty
But when
I scream
At my loves,
All seems lost
All seems wasted
As we hit the wall of
Communication.
TM
6.2.2012
murdered brains
prod the smoldering fire and it will ignite and
consume
the curious few who gaze upon it.
question yourself, big brother, systems, motives, or
they will eat you alive claw their own way out, and feast on your
head, brain, mind, innards
ideas are murdered
killed through neglect
killed through manipulation
buried
putrid
authoritative-decapitation no longer
stymies
progress, only encourages.
grudge and spite, only for self-indulgence, are
at the wayside of
creativity
on and
rub
away mucky
smudge,
I see the embryo of hate move within
open and dig through the
sludge
for the
stainless steel nugget,
black core of
truth and self worth
What was once mocked and derided as miniscule,
ineffectual
now screeches its call, its warning
Its one eye ever more vigilant without its mate
It is vengeful
It is spiteful
It has no mercy
Despite who is worshiped in defense
It claws open to see inside out
the putrid filth that caused
deception, corruption, and hate
It has no mercy
Olaf
Jan 26, 2011
customized Abyss
Head swimming and
cajoling to the piercing sound of
nothingness
Eyes pushed nearly
out their sockets
by his rebelling mind and
soul
Sneers of regret bred
from the fornication of
sloth and eroding
self-esteem
loathsome
A lot of times, I feel as though I waste my time or that I am a waste of time.
“Why am I not doing that? Why did I do this when I could have done that?”
I could be a better father.
I could be a better husband.
Because I could be better means that I am not good enough.
If I could be better, I should be better; If I should be better and I am not, then I’m screwing up.
I feel insufficient and insecure.
I project that onto my loved ones, probably not as much as I think…but I do.
I yell, but not as much as I used to.
I get angry at my son, and that makes me feel guilty.
He’s autistic and sometimes I don’t give him enough slack.
He yells, I yell back.
I ask him to do something, and he yells at me and/or calls me names…more often than not I take it personally.
I feel weak.
When I read or work, I feel guilty. (I don’t work that much; it’s been slow.)
When I am tired, it is not always obvious to me that I need to go to bed.
I’ll watch a movie or research.
I have felt apathetic a lot lately, almost to the point where I need to remind myself to breathe.
I feel sad a lot.
I am on anti-anxiety medication and am in therapy.
I went from seeing my therapist from once a moth to once a week because I told psychiatrist about my apathy.
I lash out at my wife with sarcasm.
I have also opened up to her and stopped holding her responsible for our lack of communication…
I’m just communicating.
I have been listening to death/dark metal a lot.
I have also been listening to classical music.
Techno or electro rock, too.
I listen to anything that is loud and repetitious or sporadic and chaotic.
I make intermittent and random noises sometimes when things make me uncomfortable and awkward, such as thoughts or memories.
I love to watch horror movies if I am angry.
Sometimes I shut out my kids and my wife. Sometimes I run to them.
Sometimes I want to run away from myself.
Today, I told my wife that I don’t feel happiness like normal people.
I have been spontaneously crying at nothing a lot lately.
Sometimes, I am afraid to go outside or come into contact with anyone.
I indignantly point out to myself what other people are doing wrong.
I am scared of pretty much everything and everyone.
I hate talking on the phone to people.
Large crowds make me nervous.
One day, I am so happy that nothing can go wrong,
The next, I’ll shit on your doorstep for looking at me.
void
numb
numb, no tears
numb, remind myself to breathe
numb, withdrawn inside my head
numb and alone
alone